Back To Basics
Might as well change the url to "sawdadoesnotblog" or "sawdadoesnotblogoftenatall" because I have really not been on this for a while. Mainly down to procrastination; just being lazy but also due to my tendency to want to perfect everything. Some of you reading may have seen the multiple layout/colour/everything aesthetic changes to the blog has undergone and how now I've got a header and resulted back to a blogger theme I had at the start.
I feel like I needed to just backtrack and start from the beginning. Work my way up to where I want to be g r a d u a l l y . I say that in terms of the look, content and essentially feel of my blog but also in relation to other parts of my life and things that I do. I know I have this habit of trying to get everything right, I like to do things once and have them be excellent to match that image of excellence I have in my head, but recently (and this is a long-term, over the summer 'recently',) I have come to realise that 'Rome was not built in a day' and its a step in the right direction that will get you closer and then eventually get you there.
I think the thing is with me is that I feel something/think something/want something, and I feel that thing with so much conviction I want it right this instant, or, I'm charging full speed ahead which is where sometimes you don't deep (appreciate, consider) your current position enough, and a bigger picture. I become overwhelmed in the present and the 'go go go' blinded by the light at the end of the tunnel so much so I don't see the tunnel, or even the fact that I'm not in a tunnel at all. I wouldn't say I don't plan and think things through though, most people who know me wouldn't call me impulsive and I'll agree. I'm more of a sit down, plan a route and get there person. I like - no, LOVE method and strategy, there's something so reassuring in it....
But the point I'm trying to make is that's it's okay to go slower, just as long as I'm moving. Because another thing I've realised is I take big leaps fuelled by enthusiasm then just stop. Possibly to "recharge", possibly because I'm burnt out, or maybe even because I just didn't have the right fuel, and use it correctly. Similar to a car, for example. I see the cars that are driving fast and I want to drive as fast or faster. I think "how do you do that?" "Press accelerate of course!" And so that's what I do, I press, I am going forward but in some cases I'm not driving as well as I should. I may not be driving in a straight line, I may be running out of petrol and I'm wondering why? I may even bring down or crash.
In terms of the blog I came to a point where I had to brake because my level of expertise isn't there yet. I didn't realise all the other elements of speed needed to drive well. In other cases I was so caught up in the present that the quality decreases. Each case is different but I feel they're all related in one way or another because one they have made me realise:
(1)Excellence is habit. I'm keeping my ambitious ways, but now I'm taking more into consideration when planning. Being easier but not lazy with myself, and appreciating more now at this point that baby steps are the beginning, and the consistency of a good thing will get me there.
(2)Not being one track minded is a good thing. Flexibility even in a dream is okay because it's not just be image I'm going for, but the internal feeling of satisfaction that is achievable in other. So as much as I may have planned a route to a destination, I have grown to understand that diversions can be okay.
So what I have decided to do with a lot of things is go back to the drawing board and draw, plan better and be just as ambitious. However, now I am baring a lot more in mind about steady growth and put a few more checks in place to be more conscious of myself. I've got to read and research more, whilst learning that patience is a virtue. To make perfect, I've got to practice, which takes time that I've got to live through. Furthermore, I've got to bare in mind that everything that is meant for me will come to me, and if I do my bit, the only thing I am waiting on is Allah. Sometimes Qadr of Allah doesn't work in what I see as my favour, but "what has reached you was never meant to miss you and what has missed you was never meant to reach you" right? And Allah tells us if we go to him walking, He will come to us running, in the sense that if I put the effort in, I'll get that back plus more. Maybe my almost rushing into things was me forgetting that sense of faith I've also got to have in Him and His plan. I may even have to walk on a few paths that I didn't intend to, but that too is okay.
I feel like going back to square one, clicking this metaphorical restart button, is a chance to widen my mental horizons, gain a different and more developed perspective.An opportunity to live a little, fill my lungs with this fresh new air and just - more importantly - breathe.