This tea party is cancelled.

Did you see me "lash out" on my socials the other day? Or to be honest I didn't lash out per se, I just drew a thick, black in my life and was quite openly expressive about it.

I got to a point where I told myself enough was enough, too many kettles had been boiled, too many teabags have brewed for too long, the two, three sugars added have dissolved and been stirred and sipped out of me but I am not a mug.

1) I’ve fully deeped I’m not a mug. I can tolerate things, be nice, be a bigger (yet always small) person (lol) but I have to draw linesss

— S. (@SawdaSays) September 25, 2017

Now obviously, as the good Muslim I strive to be I do things for the sake of Allah, and in doing so technically I can't lose right? However, I can unfortunately get to a point where I am drained, strained and not at peace which is where I feel I'm at and don't want to be at anymore. I've come to  a point of re-realisation. It's not that I thought I was a piece of porcelain in the first place, its just that I never took the time to internalise the fact, therefore I couldn't act on the fact, and that's where tea parties began. Some bigger than others, but all unnecessarily held in the first place.

Am I the only one who thinks that in being the nice girl that your kindness can be abused? Its a shame because I love being kind, being good and going the extra mile but not when it hurts me, or when I allow it to hurt me. In my moments of realisation I remembered I hold the ropes to my life and that means I have control of my situations and can rein in when need be. Its the power in my life that I didn't exercise because I forgot, or felt if I did I'd be labelled negatively (e.g angry black girl Muslim with bad attitude, lazy, un -insert positive word here)  if I were to use it.

And that's more my point than most. It's not to say that I'm coming for everyone's edges in rage, that I'm bigger than anyone like that it's just that there's been an absence of self-love in my life that I've just given indefinite leave a decision to exercise and use freely the powers I have in my life that I didn't before.

And so in the necessary spirit of self love, it doesn't make sense to allow myself to feel like I've been wronged to extents that upset me, and expect to be fine. In the necessary spirit of self love I need to match the concern I have for myself with the same concern, encouragement and positivity I project, expect and have for my loved ones . You cannot serve from an empty vessel so I will continue to be my hard-working, loving, do-gooding self, but in the spirit of self love I need to find balance, fulfilment and  remember I can't come and die, basically.

And because I can't come and die, because I can't stand for lack fulfilment and peace in my life I'll sit, drink water and not tea, as there are no mugs around here to drink out of over here.

Sincerely,

Sawda